It’s Been Three Years Since…

I love the fall. The crisp air. The beautiful colors that blanket the hillsides and the reflections of burnt orange, gold, and red on the northern lakes. But it’s also a time of year that reminds me of my mom and the empty whispers of grief I will always carry since she died.

Admittedly, fall looks a little different to me now and this year I am acutely aware of the passing of time.

I woke up this morning feeling that familiar lump in my throat. The presence of tears. The vague ache in my heart that’s been there for the past 3 years.

It’s difficult to shake this feeling and I keep thinking, “it’s been 3 years since…”

It’s been three years since I picked up the phone and called you to tell you about my day.

It’s been 3 years since I heard your laugh or voice.

It’s been 3 years since I popped over to say hello and found you reading a book in your favorite blue chair.

It’s been 3 years since I loaded your walker into my car and took you for a drive. A drive to pass the time and get you out of there. Just for an hour.

It’s been 3 years since we went to a movie and we enjoyed butterless popcorn, chocolate, and ice cold fountain drinks. Together while sitting in the handicap row.

It’s been 3 years since we pulled into Wagners Drive-in for cheeseburgers, french fries and a good old fashioned root beer.

It’s been 3 years since we looked at the beautiful fall leaves while sipping a vanilla latte paired with our favorite: a pumpkin cream cheese muffin. Slightly warmed.

It’s been 3 years since I was able to hug you. Hold your hand. Reassure you. Take care of you. See the light in your beautiful brown eyes.

And what I wouldn’t give to do all of those things with you once more.

I love you mom and even though it’s been 3 years since, I hope you can hear me saying it now.

Always-

Shel