I Feel Like I’m In a Long Distance Relationship

May 28

Recently, I was out to dinner with one of my best friends. A friend who lost her dear husband 16 months ago. We were having a deep, griefy conversation and she said something that really resonated with me. My friend said, “I feel like I’m in a long distance relationship.”

I have thought about that comment many times in the past few weeks and when trying to stay connected to a loved one after they die, is in some ways, like being in a long distance relationship.

Obviously, staying connected to someone you love after death is very different than when someone is alive and well but lives in a different town or state. You can’t pick up the phone and call anytime you want. You can’t mail a letter to them nor can you get on a plane and visit them for a long weekend. If only you could…

I know that’s not possible BUT:

You can still talk to them.

You can still write them letters.

You can still visit the places they loved to go.

You can still make their favorite meal.

You can still plant their favorite flowers in the spring.

You can still wear their favorite sweatshirt or ring.

You can still dance to their favorite music.

You can still toast them on their birthday or order a piece of cake.

You can still miss them and yearn for them.

You can still go out with friends and talk about them.

You can still love them.

Even though they are not here by your side.

And while different, that’s what people sometimes do when they are in a long distance relationship when their loved one is alive.

I’m not comparing the two nor am I minimizing just how final and permanent the death of a loved one is. But I understood what my friend was saying when she said there are moments when she feels like she is now in a long distant relationship with her husband.

I wish it was possible to pick up the phone and call your loved one. I wish you could mail a letter and they could read every word. I wish you could book a flight and visit them for the weekend.

It’s a delightful and magical thought.

But I know the pain of permanence all too well and I know it’s difficult to live life every single day knowing your loved one isn’t coming back.

One thing that has helped me over the years is remembering that my loved one died but the relationship didn’t. I can still love them and stay connected to them even though they are gone. I can still do things to remember them and honor them. Things we shared whether together or apart.

I know it’s not the same but it can provide comfort and sometimes bring you moments of peace and joy. It can help you to stay connected to them while honoring their legacy.

One of the most challenging things for people is to stay connected in separation and that can be true when someone lives far away or when someone dies. But it IS possible.

I’m sending you lots of love as you continue to miss your loved one and I hope you are finding your own ways to stay connected to them as you move forward while carrying grief in your heart.

With love -

Michele

Michele Deville