Michele DeVille

Posted By devillem on November 27, 2009

Self-esteem is something everyone wants and while there are people with great self-esteem; many struggle to find it.  The result:  life can be incredibly painful impacting our jobs, school, dreams, relationships and emotional well-being.

It would be nice if self-esteem came in a nice little package and came in unlimited quantities available anytime we needed a dose or two.  However, the hard reality is that self-esteem or the lack of it is something that must come from within.  We cannot buy it.  We cannot borrow it from a friend.  We cannot depend on others to give it to us.

In my earlier years I envied people that seemed to be confident and had a strong sense of self.  I wanted to feel strong and confident but could not seem to shut off the verbal assaults from my inner critic.  Instead of focusing on the strengths and positive things that were a part of my identity I seemed to notice everything that was wrong and truly struggled to feel good enough most of the time.

My inner critic was a part of me and never left my side. As hard as I would try, I could not seem to get away from this dominant part of myself.  The messages were loud and clear:  you are not pretty enough, you are too skinny, you are unlovable, you are not smart enough and the list would go on.

Instead of recognizing and believing that I was good enough and had been blessed with many wonderful things I became a woman with very low self-esteem and had no self-worth.  I didn’t need anyone to reject me because I often rejected myself.

In order to protect myself from this emotional pain I developed patterns of coping behaviors that did nothing more than add to this vicious cycle and it was through this journey that I lost myself and hurt my heart along the way.

These patterns are very difficult to break once embedded in the mind and the power of our thoughts can literally control much of what we think and do.  It is so important to remember that we do have a choice and can learn to take control back rebuilding our sense of self and creating an identity that we love and believe in.

It breaks my heart knowing that there are so many people out there that struggle with these feelings and I want to reach out and somehow remind others that we are all special and unique beings.  Everyone has amazing gifts to offer the world and it is our hearts that often hold that key.

The heart is a compass of who we truly are and we all deserve respect, love and to know the feeling of self-worth.Low self-esteem affects so many and it is my hope that we can all find a way to feel good enough and see the beauty in and around us every day.

It takes time and patience but negative thoughts can be replaced with positive ones and we can once again see the possibility of our dreams, rediscover who we truly are and go on to live an exceptional life.  Find the courage to rise above your inner critic and believe in the miracle of you.  Do what you need to do to break the painful patterns and start replacing the critical voice with one of love.  IT IS POSSIBLE…

In Peace-

Michele

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Posted By admin on November 15, 2009

I am happy to share the first video in my new inspirational series:
Live your exceptional life™ -Michele

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Posted By devillem on November 1, 2009

We all leave the warmth and security of our homes every day whether it is to go to work, school, do errands or visit a friend.  While the reasons vary from one day to the next there is one common denominator and that is the assumption that when we leave our homes we will be returning to them later in the day.  In most cases, this is a safe assumption and we are able to come and go throughout the day returning safely to our house, family and lives at the end of each day.

However, the reality is that while we would like to believe that we will always be safe, life does happen and there are people that wake up in the morning, drink a cup of coffee, read the paper, leave the house and never return.  People lose their lives every day and the reasons can be many including a sudden heart attack or a tragic car accident.  Regardless of the reasons, it is important to remember that life is short and we truly don’t know what each day will bring.

I am not writing this to be negative but instead to serve as an important reminder that life is fragile and we need to embrace every moment given every single day.  I have thought about how often I have rushed out of my home in the morning leaving dirty dishes on the counter, a mess in the bathroom, unfinished projects and most important without saying goodbye to a loved one because I was running late.  Like most people, I fall prey to the illusion that I will be returning home later in the day and can clean up the messes, finish the projects and have quality time with the people I love later.

In the end, the messy house and unfinished projects are not that important but I challenge all of us to think hard about the importance of our loved ones and unfinished business with those we love.  How often have we left for work without a goodbye, a hug or saying “I love you”?  How often have we left angry and full of resentment refusing to forgive or resolve an issue with someone we truly care about?

My guess is that this is something we can all relate to and have experienced at some point in our lives.  Remember that there are never any guarantees on any given day and that while we need to think positive and live each day to the fullest we must also appreciate the blessings in our lives and those that we love.  Don’t take that chance of having wished you had told someone that you loved them or that you forgave them only to have it be too late.  I can promise you that no argument or those few minutes you saved by rushing out the door will be worth it if life steps in and someone doesn’t come home.

Life is so precious and each and every day that we are given is truly a miracle so please live life to the fullest, practice gratitude, learn to forgive, spread kindness every chance you get and most of all love others.  It will make each day so much better for everyone around and we can leave our homes knowing that regardless of what the day may hold we have truly lived our best life!

In Peace-

Michele

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Posted By devillem on August 20, 2009

The time arrived last weekend for my oldest daughter to leave for college and I must say it was a weekend filled with many feelings and emotions I did not expect.  I had heard parents talk about the mixed emotions that come with dropping a child off at college but I came to find that I did not fully understand or grasp the meaning until I experienced it myself.

I had always wanted my daughter to go to college and when she talked of going to a school that was several hours away I convinced myself that it would be good for her and a great learning experience.  I still believe that to be true but I can tell you that to actually leave her in a place that feels so far away was very difficult.

The weekend held an air of excitement and it was fun to see her dorm room and help her to organize the place that would become her new home for the next several months.  However, I found myself in tears more than once in the days leading up to her leaving Minnesota and felt a deep sense of loss and sadness throughout the weekend.  I tried to remember what I felt when I attended college so many years ago and searched my mind for details of how my own mom may have felt, but nothing seemed to resonate with the feelings I now had.

The illusion of time had officially played a trick on me and it became all too clear that time waits for no one!  Like many parents, I had been lulled in to a place of complacency believing that we had all the time in the world.  I had believed there would “always be tomorrow” and felt comforted by a false sense of security that my daughter would always be around.

Now as I stood in her dorm room facing the difficulty of saying goodbye, panic crept in knowing that I would be going home without her.  While I would always be her mom she would not be living with me anymore and I felt a deep sadness at knowing I would wake up in the morning and she would not be in her bed.   I felt a sense of regret and remorse wishing I had more time with her and wondering if I had done everything I could as a parent.  I questioned if I had been a good enough parent and my heart ached at the thought of leaving her.

When the time actually came to give her a hug and say goodbye, the tears came and I felt numb as I walked out of her room and down the hall.   As I drove away I could not help but feel that I was abandoning her and  my maternal instinct was to run back to her and hold her tight.  As the miles between us grew, the tears dried and I started to remind myself that we had made it through the first part of the journey as mother and daughter.  As Missouri fell behind me and Minnesota grew closer my heart filled with a calm and I knew that I needed to have faith that she would be okay and that the distance would create an even stronger bond between us.

In the end, letting go of our children is never easy.  There is nothing that can prepare you for the day that a child leaves home.  Children grow up and there is a sense of loss when it comes time for a child to take the leap from childhood to becoming an adult.  But beyond the tears there is a sense of accomplishment and pride coupled with a new and exciting road in the journey.  I miss her every day and wonder how she is doing and cannot wait to give her a hug but I know that last weekend was not “goodbye” but,  “I love you and I will see you soon”.   Like with anything in life, this is a time of change.  Change is never easy but I do believe it is necessary to grow and to live out our dreams.

Letting go of our children is hard but it is one of the greatest gifts we can give to them.  It is letting go that allows a child to go out and discover the amazing person they are meant to be!  So for all parents that are struggling with letting go,  remember you are not alone and in the end our children will be better for it…..

In Peace-

Michele

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Posted By admin on June 4, 2009

In recent days I talked with an acquaintance that had lost her mother to Cancer and Alzheimer Disease at the age of 85. We were talking about the horrific challenges in the healthcare system and also the many misperceptions out there surrounding loss and grief. It led me to think about how society views this topic and how often people can be almost cold with unrealistic expectations when it comes to understanding and supporting someone in the grief process.

My friend told me how people felt that it should not be as tough of a loss due to the fact her mother was “old” and had Alzheimer disease. It was almost as if these two facts were to lessen the pain and make it easier to get through and over. I too felt this in recent weeks with the loss of my grandmother. Yes, she was 88 years old at the time of her death but I can tell you that regardless of her age it did not make the loss easier or the pain I felt any less. For me, my grandmother played a huge role in my life and was a part of my life on a regular basis from day one. It was a huge and significant loss in my life and the fact that she was 88 did not matter.

My point in writing this is to try to remind people that the loss of anyone in our life has great impact and that there will be a process of grieving to go through. Granted, there are different types of loss and grief can come in many forms and at many levels but losing someone will still bring about many feelings and emotions. Grief is not prejudice to anyone or anything. In the end, loss can be difficult and can truly impact the people left behind for a long time regardless of age, relation or cause of death.

In any loss it is important to remember that people are hurting and while life does not stop for a loss, those left behind do need time, understanding and support while they process through grief and all that comes with it.

It has only been a couple of weeks since my grandmother passed away and while I had to get back to “life” quickly I am still struggling with this huge loss daily. If we can all remember that grief is something that we all share as a common bond at some point in life and that people grieve in different ways, we can be more sensitive to what each other might be going through. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and just because someone is “old” does not necessarily make the loss any easier.

For all those out there that have lost someone and are struggling through grief; my heart goes out to you and my prayer is that you will find peace and comfort with the gift of time.

In Peace-

Michele

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Posted By admin on May 25, 2009

With every goodbye comes a lesson; it is a chance for each of us to grow -
But goodbyes are never easy and it is often difficult to let a loved one go.
We are here today in honor of a special mother, grandmother and friend;
A woman who lived her life with integrity, grace and courage even in the end.
There are few words that bring comfort as we gather to remember her today -
Yet there are many words that come to mind when we remember her strength and loving ways.
It is hard to capture the true essence of this woman with just a picture, poem or song;
But when I look around at all of the people who loved her, I know her legacy of love lives on.
She was an angel on earth who gave so much of herself to everyone she held dear -
Leaving a footprint on each of our souls  to be treasured year after year.

Gram was stoic in many ways planting seeds of wisdom in each of our hearts -
Always offering unconditional love and support even when we were miles apart.
She wrapped blankets of kindness around us and held a deep sense of pride -
For everything each of us accomplished and for all the things we dreamed of and dared to try.
Family meant so much to Gram and it was an ingrained passion to always share;
A strong foundation built with family traditions and an endless desire to always be fair.
There was never judgment placed and in her simplicity she truly loved us for who we needed to be;
While offering encouragement to live our best life possible – for her life was all about her family.
Her journey was long and we are so thankful to have had her with us for so many wonderful years -
And while we stand here together in celebration of her life our memories are mixed with tears.
The winds of change have swept into our lives and it is hard to accept that she is no longer here;
Yet I believe her spirit lives on in each of us and if we listen to our hearts her whispers of love are near.
It is comforting to know that we can carry the gift of her amazing spirit with us wherever we may go;
And while we will never forget the love and wisdom she leaves behind we will forever miss her – that much I know.
So be at peace dear sweet gram and know that through our tears there are smiles when we think of your amazing grace;
And every time we look into the sky and see a beautiful shining star it will remind us of all the memories and your beautiful face.
It is with so much love and gratitude that we let you go as we say our bitter sweet goodbyes
And as you travel to the next magical place take a piece of our hearts with you and tell Grandpa Pete we say hi.

We love you today, tomorrow, always…..

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Posted By admin on April 6, 2009

I saw the slogan “Attack the Issues – Not Each Other!”  posted in an article on tips for a successful marriage yesterday and it led me to think about all the times in life that a conflict could have been resolved easily with better communication and without attacking the other person through words. For many of us, this remains a difficult and complex challenge that can cause damage to a marriage, destroy business partnerships and inflict emotional wounds on our children and loved ones.

It is said that “sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never harm me” but I would venture to say that for most people this saying could not be farther from the truth. Words do hurt and they can cause harm to people sometimes leaving such great emotional scars that it takes years for people to get past them.

It is easy to lash out at another including those people we love the most when we are feeling angry, hurt, betrayed or defensive. Often times we react to something without taking the time to think before we launch an attack of words. It can be a very complex challenge when we ourselves have “old tapes” in our heads that have led to destructive and unhealthy communication habits.

These habits can become ingrained in us and can be very difficult to change even with the best of intentions and the recognition that our words can be hurtful. However, there are things we can do to try and improve on our communication styles when faced with a conflict or difficult situation.

1. Be aware of your own personal way of handling a conflict and the direction you tend to take when communicating with others while angry or hurt. Creating awareness and recognizing any communication issue can be the first step to making a change.

2. As I mentioned earlier, attack the issue and not the person. If two people join together in attacking an issue or problem there can be much faster resolution and ultimately feelings can be protected from hurt.

3. Don’t react! When feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, afraid or frustrated take a step back and pause a moment before saying anything. There is power in pausing and it allows you the time to think before speaking. Take a deep breath while you pause.

4. Respond with a calm tone and choose your words carefully. Remember words do hurt so choosing words that do not make the other person feel attacked can make a big difference.  If you feel like you are not going to remain calm then walk away and revisit the issue later.

5. Pay attention to your body language and facial expressions. These can actually create the perception of hostility and confrontation even when you are trying to not react or escalate the conflict.

6. Try to avoid raising your voice, yelling or screaming. This in combination with hurtful words can cause a person to feel intimidated or like they are beneath you.

7. Listen to the other person’s view and try to not interrupt the other person when they are talking or sharing their feelings. This will allow both parties to feel validated and heard.

8. If there is something you need to say, express it but use statements like “I feel” or “This makes me feel” versus “You did” or “You made me”.

9. Be patient with each other and try to forgive when there is a conflict. Forgiving another will lessen the anger and hurt allowing you to move forward and let go. You will feel more at peace and bet able to communicate better without a verbal attack.

10. If you do fall into old habits and launch a verbal attack on someone, recognize it and apologize. Take measures to work on your communication style and try to change the behavior to avoid this destructive trap in the future.

Remember, communicating and connecting between people is an essential part of any and all relationships. It is imperative that we all pay attention to the words that we choose and how we interact with others. One word can make all the difference to someone that you love and care about when a statement or comment is made or when dealing with an issue.

Words do hurt so the next time you find yourself in conflict with another person, think before you react! It can save a heart from being broken and protect a relationship that is important to you!  Words can be a thing of comfort, support, love and peace when used in the right way.  Attack the issue – not each other!

In peace -

Michele

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Posted By admin on April 1, 2009

I received a phone call this morning from my 18 year old daughter and  answered the phone to hear her sobbing hysterically. Out of concern, I tried to calm her down wondering what had happened this early in the school day. Through her sobs she went on to tell me that a friend of hers had died during the night and her mother had found her in the morning when she went to wake her for school and breakfast.

My daughter along with many students, faculty and parents were left in shock at the sad news of a young woman finishing her Senior year of high school and the sudden and tragic end to her life. Most were struggling with the difficult question of WHY and trying to make sense of it while searching for answers that did not come easily. 

I held my daughter as she cried and was gripped by anxiety, confusion and anger. I felt helpless as she struggled to catch her breath and felt like she could not calm down questioning if she would ever feel better again. The incident triggered powerful emotions in me as I remembered my own horrific loss as a Senior in high school when one of my best friends was killed in a car accident. I knew what my daughter was going through and that it was going to be a difficult healing process.  Loss is difficult at any age but loss during the teenage years can take on a whole new dimension in the process of grief. 

Teens are at a stage in life where they have the illusion of invulnerability and immortality. Death shatters that illusion and can leave a teenager feeling extremely vulnerable and fragile. Kids can suddenly become overwhelmed with new fears of death and concerns that everyone could die at any moment.

Teenagers have in many cases not experienced any type of major loss at this stage of life and it can be extremely challenging for them to manage the grief they are feeling and the many emotions that come with it. Many of the emotions that accompany grief such as guilt, anger and denial can bring conflict to a teen and make the grieving process very difficult.  Teenagers are also at a stage that can bring identity crisis.  They may be in the process of pushing away from family but are now faced with a crisis that leaves them feeling lonely and needing the very family they were trying to push away.  This can create internal conflict.

I remember all of these feelings when I lost my friend in high school.  I felt very much alone and like nobody understood what I was feeling. I was angry at the world and did not want to be in school. There were huge mood swings and at times depression seemed to control my every move leaving my parents feeling helpless and afraid. Laughter was unacceptable and I remember being angry that someone could actually laugh at such a terrible time. In my mind it was an insult and disrespectful to the person who had died. I needed to see the car following the accident and spent countless hours at the cemetery and the tears never seemed to end. I, like my daughter on this sad day believed that I would never feel “normal” again.

However, I did get through it with a lot of time, patience, support of friends and family, talking and writing. I have watched as my daughter has shifted through a whole range of emotions today and I know there will be many more to come but I also know that there are things that we can all do to help teens through this difficult process.

1. We need to remember and assure the teens that there is no right way to grieve. Grief is a unique and individual experience for everyone. What may feel right for one teenager will be very different for another.

2. Emotional wounds due to loss require time to heal but they will heal and eventually things will return to a feeling of normalcy although certain things may be different.

3. The many emotions experienced through grief including resentment, anger and guilt are all normal reactions to the loss and it is okay to feel these things. Teenagers need to allow themselves to feel during the process of grief.

4. Teenagers often feel a sense of responsibility and have many questions as to “what if” or “if only I had”. Teens need to remember that they had no control over the tragedy and could not have changed it.

5. We can assure teens that crying is normal and that they need to feel that it is safe to cry. We as parents and friends can provide safety, comfort and hugs when needed.

6. Be available to the teen and listen as much as possible. While the teenager may be very quiet they may also need to vent, express feelings and talk about what happened. Don’t pressure them but always be prepared to listen and be compassionate to what they are going through.

7. Don’t ever invalidate the teenager! They do not want to hear things like “you will feel better tomorrow” or “you have been grieving for a week, time to move on”. Kids need to feel safe and secure to grieve in whatever way feels right to them.

8. Be aware of a teenager that may seem to spiral down too far in the grieving process and becomes so depressed that they themselves are vulnerable to risky behaviors. If a teenager seems to be struggling consider finding outside resources such as a counselor for the teen to talk to.

9. The most important thing is to love them and listen to them. Losing someone at this vulnerable and impressionable age is a big deal and can really knock a teenager down.

As a parent I cannot imagine losing a child and my heart breaks for the family that lost their daughter during the night. My heart aches for that mother that innocently went to wake her child up and found her dead in the morning hours before school. My heart breaks for the teenagers that started their school day like any other filled with all the hopes and dreams of life only to have the day shattered by news of a tragedy involving a fellow student and friend. My heart breaks for my daughter and the pain she is experiencing as I write this.

In the end, news of this tragedy served as a harsh reminder to me that we are all vulnerable and at any given moment we have no way of knowing what life will bring. It is so vital that we embrace every moment given to us and never take the people we love for granted. Life is a gift and it is one that is loaned to us but for a short time. We need to appreciate it and those around us.

Give your kids an extra hug tonight and make sure you tell them how much you love them. I know I will!

In peace and love to all of you -

Michele

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Posted By admin on March 29, 2009

The act of forgiving is not prejudice to age, sex, social status, race or culture. Forgiveness is a common thread that weaves its way through every society and spans the globe every single day and in essence creates a common bond within the human spirit.

However, as common as the concept of forgiving is to people it is also one of the most complex and challenging things to actually do in the journey of life. If you think about it, it is probably safe to say that every person will at some point in life be faced with the difficult task of forgiving another or in forgiving themselves. Yet as common as forgiving is it is not always something that is easily done for most people.
Why is forgiving others and at times ourselves so hard and why does it often take so long to forgive when it could make such a positive difference in our daily lives? That is a good question and one that I believe most people struggle to answer.

What I do know is that by choosing to not forgive life can be filled with guilt, shame, blame, anger and regret. We can go through our daily lives with the feeling of a heavy heart and the constant challenge of not being able to let go and move forward in our lives. This can be extremely frustrating and can leave a person feeling stuck and exhausted.  The beauty in learning to forgive others and ultimately ourselves is that it can truly be an amazing path to freedom.  The ugly distractions of anger, resentment and guilt can disappear allowing us to feel at peace and with a renewed sense of clarity and vision to pursue our lifelong dreams.

In the end, forgiving is a gift. It is a gift for others and it is a gift to ourselves. Without forgiveness it would be impossible to maintain relationships and any hope of igniting positive change and a peace filled life would be lost.  Reach within today and really search for that inner voice inside of your heart.  Let the gift of love and kindness flow taking you to a place where you can let go and forgive.  It will make a huge difference in your life and in the lives of those around you!

In peace -

Michele

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Posted By admin on March 29, 2009

Look not to your past for it is gone; a memory of life to learn from but not live in….
Look not to your future for it is a sea of tomorrows that are not yet yours to take…
Embrace today with an open heart and hold it gently for it is truly the only thing that matters and the only real thing you have…
Believe in the power of you and listen – you will find your way in this important journey!

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